It's rare to see a movie portraying an element of my past do it so well. I can't hardly wait to see it for real on the big screen.

A fundamental shift in perception of reality. For a few hours I was absolutely joyous over something I know now to be trivial, pointlessly hopeful and destined for failure. I'm an absolute liar, I live in the future, every word and thought dedicated to what it will bring, never the here and now. It bothers me to smile without reason, usually it means something's wrong and I'm going to feel like hell fairly soon. I'll feel like making out with you one moment then want to tear you limb from limb the next, biology is funny like that. Also, must remember to take meds more diligently

tl;dr: I have no longterm memory, and other meaningless shit.

FUCK. I'm awake again. I was running some numbers, 21 credits this year means a graduation with at least half being B+ and the other being B. Obviously an A+ with a 9 credit course would rock but let's not get stupid with this. 30 credits and mostly B's will let me graduate

I've oppressed my consciousness to the point where it seems to be reacting back. Guess behaviouralism and learned and forced behaviour can't completely solve issues eh? I suppose I've lost all connection with my 'inner self'. No matter.

tl;dr: bullshit.

fix'd

I've got nothing good at all to say about anything, I'm being selfish. 'Too much to ask' is case by case.

lol

I hate today. Perhaps all I need to cheer me up is dropping someone's fridge and utterly destroying it as they demand it'll fit in their tiny assed car

I realize tonight that I really do want to marry this girl and may just propose soon despite the hate of many others. However, if her parents still don't know about me, 11 to 13 months after we've gotten back together, I might just have to give that up because my dream wont become a reality with this one. I had an offer and I turned it down because of possible future marriage, WHAT THE FUCK. Jesus, I don't know what to think of myself anymore. Marriage? Seriously, I never gave much thought of it till tonight, but the idea sounds so nice. Maybe I'm too drunk, but I want to settle down, and I love this one. I'm too young AND too old to be thinking the thoughts.

There are times or even days where I'm extremely envious of other people's lives and situations simply because they're living them and I can't have them without exchanging certain elements I choose as superior.

I got all of one hour at most. And again again again againagainagainagain I can't sleep and now I'm worried I lashed out.

Every thought in my head is screaming bloody murder at me and alone I can barely contain my rage, speaking with someone I can't imagin how long I could keep my cool.

I'm un aware of where the quote comes from but I'm constantly resassured that no good deed goes un punished. Thank you world, I finally realized that no matter what, unless you're a complete dick, life will constantly piss all over you. It's funny that beacause I have a dick that no matter what, I'm absolutely THE worst thing ever to so many people save two. Oddly enough I'm inadvertenly repeatedly told as such by my parents and my psychiatrist. I'm wondering if it's really worthwhile NOT being a dick and spelling out reality to those that claim to want it. But despite these people's warningings, evidently people are too caught up in social graces to allow me my complete dickatude. So it quickly becomes me being an asshole for pointing out reality or me suffering peoples idiocy for living THEIR reality.

What the fuck ever happened to living life as it is and not being so fucking sensetive to the stupid shit you're doing?

And everyone reading this should know exactly who the fuck each part is directed towards.

House does not have Asberger's Syndrome. This is entirely due to the fact that he doesn't have a deficiency in nonverbal language cognition. That also rules out Autism if you're going that route. Fucking TV shows, even a medical show can't get a medical diagnosis right. (worse since Asberger's is still considered a mild form of autism in the DSM-IV-TR since it's not drastically different enough to be its own category.

psychological, pathological, neurological, biological or chemical? It's got to be one, just not sure which. Psychological or chemical is my guess thus far but that may be placebo effect for either case.

Teasing? no. I'm just pissed. More and moreso when you keep highlighting the reason I'm pissed.

Today fucking sucked. It had alot of nothing. Jus sleep and talk and the realization that the group gets more than I do.

Fuck parties, fuck women, fuck people and fuck life. I think I'll burn the night away with Xenosaga to engulf myself in existential crap.

tl;dr: bitching.

Consisted of Me, Adam and Costin hanging out, with Costin driving like a maniac. Me skating naked for one brief point. A random goth art-fag appearing out of nowhere and tagging along for a bit, then later 'dumping' me with a flash video; odd only cause we obviously weren't dating or anything of the sort. I lived in an appartment with SUPER high ceilings, one monster chair that suited it and an ordinary couch. I had a peanut butter sandwhich while looking at the art-fag's black on black on florescent wall artish stuff. Most of my house was still part of a closed down hospital/retirement home, I distictly recall trying to get people out of my way so I could toss some urine out the front door. Costin's driving got even wilder; crashinging into walls at high speeds and later breaking physics by floating in a lift-chair-esc way. We're having a party and somehow my bathroom's been transplanted into my new place and we're knocking back coolers for some reason. My sister comes home and goth girl's place is trashed and no where to be seen. Sister's carrying a life-sized paper model of a car, seemingly for the second time. Dream ends.

Note-recorded in chronological order... Yeh

I will never understand religious folk for one reason alone: why seek salvation? I neither seek it nor desire it, I don't need to be saved from anything, and even if I thought it worth something, it would be worthless if not obtained through oneself. Western religions place humans so low, to the point where the only reason to live is to be worthy enough for the next life. That, in my opinion, is the most hollow existance one could ever live, selfish to the very core. Doing 'good' for self-serving basis' is the very definition of the most conniving-two-faced people in our society.

The one act of a random stranger buying a candy bar for a child whose mother can't afford it means more to me then every action Mother Theresa ever performed.

Today officially sucks